Peyton...

I started this blog when we were remodeling a kitchen. We wanted to document the process and share it with family. As that project drew to a close, I began focusing on our adventures in homeschooling and life. It's become a way for me to just share about what's going on with the family...the crazy things, the brilliant things, even the ho-hum things. Somehow along the way, I've actually had a reader or two check in on us and even leave a comment. Only fellow bloggers know the feeling of getting a comment on something you've shared. There is a connection made and it encourages you to share the next highlight of family life.

Eleven days ago we experienced an incredibly devastating loss....and even though I'm still at a point where I just don't have words, I feel like my blog is a lie if I don't share it. I feel like I couldn't possibly post another thing without acknowledging our pain.

Back in January, our oldest son asked us if we were ready to be grandparents. Ready? Are you kidding? I was ready the day I knew I was expecting him. You plan out your child's future the moment you find out you are pregnant and even though you know it's not going to go like your plan, you can't help but see a future family. Your desire is for your child to be loved, to be happy, to be secure, and to never feel heartbreak. You see your child with a loving spouse and you just know your child will be such a good mommy or daddy. So, yes, I was ready.

Over the next few months we learned that our first grandbaby was a boy. Peyton Mathias was his name. Mathias is in honor of my late father-in-law...J's grandpa.

Just like when you find yourself pregnant...you can't help but imagine the future. All the things you dreamed of for your own child, you now dream of for your grandchild. Peyton was loved by many and we hadn't even met him, yet. We knew he would be the cutest baby on earth...and he would be smart, of course. I could see him grown up with his own family. (maybe I'm weird like that....but I think since family is so special to me, I automatically look forward in a baby's life and see a family)

Waiting is never easy and waiting for 9 months when you aren't the one carrying the baby seems even longer. Mid-September was the time frame that we were anticipating a new arrival. Everything was going well until it wasn't...

Eleven days ago, we got the news that Peyton had left this world. (the placenta had started pulling away) He was born August 28, 2009. He was almost 4 pounds and was a perfect and beautiful baby...who looked a whole lot like my two youngest children.

I still don't have the words to adequately explain the sense of loss...but that's ok.

I can say that the hardest part is knowing/imagining/seeing the pain your grown up children are going through. My daughter in law IS my child, too. She became my child even before their wedding day...I can't help that. So, I feel for my two grieving children. I feel deeply for them. They are doing well right now...but I know it's going to be a emotional rollercoaster ride for them.

I long for a magic wand that wipes the pain away....but I know it is a process and no wand will ever erase it. I know Peyton will forever be my first grandbaby and will forever be in my heart. I know Peyton IS loved by many. I know he is secure and happy in Heaven. I know he will never feel any heartbreak....

He will be missed here on Earth, though.

Peyton Mathias Kohout
August 28, 2009
(my angel grandbaby)