Monday, September 7, 2009

Peyton...

I started this blog when we were remodeling a kitchen. We wanted to document the process and share it with family. As that project drew to a close, I began focusing on our adventures in homeschooling and life. It's become a way for me to just share about what's going on with the family...the crazy things, the brilliant things, even the ho-hum things. Somehow along the way, I've actually had a reader or two check in on us and even leave a comment. Only fellow bloggers know the feeling of getting a comment on something you've shared. There is a connection made and it encourages you to share the next highlight of family life.


Eleven days ago we experienced an incredibly devastating loss....and even though I'm still at a point where I just don't have words, I feel like my blog is a lie if I don't share it. I feel like I couldn't possibly post another thing without acknowledging our pain.


Back in January, our oldest son asked us if we were ready to be grandparents. Ready? Are you kidding? I was ready the day I knew I was expecting him. You plan out your child's future the moment you find out you are pregnant and even though you know it's not going to go like your plan, you can't help but see a future family. Your desire is for your child to be loved, to be happy, to be secure, and to never feel heartbreak. You see your child with a loving spouse and you just know your child will be such a good mommy or daddy. So, yes, I was ready.


Over the next few months we learned that our first grandbaby was a boy. Peyton Mathias was his name. Mathias is in honor of my late father-in-law...J's grandpa.


Just like when you find yourself pregnant...you can't help but imagine the future. All the things you dreamed of for your own child, you now dream of for your grandchild. Peyton was loved by many and we hadn't even met him, yet. We knew he would be the cutest baby on earth...and he would be smart, of course. I could see him grown up with his own family. (maybe I'm weird like that....but I think since family is so special to me, I automatically look forward in a baby's life and see a family)


Waiting is never easy and waiting for 9 months when you aren't the one carrying the baby seems even longer. Mid-September was the time frame that we were anticipating a new arrival. Everything was going well until it wasn't...


Eleven days ago, we got the news that Peyton had left this world. (the placenta had started pulling away) He was born August 28, 2009. He was almost 4 pounds and was a perfect and beautiful baby...who looked a whole lot like my two youngest children.


I still don't have the words to adequately explain the sense of loss...but that's ok.


I can say that the hardest part is knowing/imagining/seeing the pain your grown up children are going through. My daughter in law IS my child, too. She became my child even before their wedding day...I can't help that. So, I feel for my two grieving children. I feel deeply for them. They are doing well right now...but I know it's going to be a emotional rollercoaster ride for them.


I long for a magic wand that wipes the pain away....but I know it is a process and no wand will ever erase it. I know Peyton will forever be my first grandbaby and will forever be in my heart. I know Peyton IS loved by many. I know he is secure and happy in Heaven. I know he will never feel any heartbreak....




He will be missed here on Earth, though.

Peyton Mathias Kohout
August 28, 2009

(my angel grandbaby)

17 comments:

Robin said...

Tammy,
You expressed my feelings exactly. I still don't have the words to express my deep loss and pain, for Peyton and for Tiffany & Justin. A Mom is supposed to help make things right and take away your child's pain. It makes me feel helpless that I can't. Please give them both a hug and kiss for me. thanks, I love you too.
Robin

Kristine said...

Tammy,
I am so very sorry for your family's loss. I think losing a child (or grandchild)is one of the most devestating losses one can face. You are right that Peyton is in Heaven in the arms of Jesus. But it's impossible not to miss him terribly. I pray for all of you every day. Your tribute to Peyton is a beautiful gift to him. I can feel your deep love for him and I cry along with you, friend. Much love & hugs....

Amy said...

Tammy, you and your family have my sincerest condolences during this time of loss. I can't imagine the pain you are all going through. May God's peace reign as you endure this time of sorrow.

In His Love,

Amy <><

Tracy E. said...

{{Tammy and family}} Praying for you all as you walk this most difficult road.

Christi S. said...

I'm so sorry Tammy. I'm praying for your family.

Celeste said...

{{{{{{Tammy & Family}}}}}} I am so sorry to hear of this loss. You and your whole family will be in our thoughts.

Heather Hekman said...

Wow, that is so tragic. Thank you for sharing. The only comfort is in knowing that God knows and is not only holding Peyton in His arms, but all of you, too.

Heather Hekman
(friend of Kathy Aceves)

Betsy said...

I'm praying for your family, too! Peyton was very loved by so many people through the excitement you felt over his life. I'm blessed to have known him through you.

Eileen said...

Tammy, you and your family are in my prayers. {{{hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

From Dawn:

you and your family are in my prayers. I think of you daily and pray that the Lord wraps his comforting arms around Justin and Tiffany through this trying time.

God bless all of you.

Lynn Bemont said...

Tammy,

My heart goes out to your whole family. I cannot even imagine the pain of your loss. Please know that I am praying for all of you.

Smoochiefrog said...

Tammy I'm so sorry to hear this. Know that we're praying for y'all at this time.

Frizzy said...

Tammy,
My heart cries out to you and your family. The loss of a child is one nobody should experience at any age. I pray that God will wrap you all in his loving arms and bring you all you need to heal from such a devestating loss. Please send them my love and condolences. You are such a beautiful woman to write these feelings. Your son and daughter in law are so blessed to have you in their corner lifting them up and loving them.

Debbie Cali said...

Tammy,

I continue to pray for you and your family. My heart is heavy for your loss. Thank you for sharing so beautifully.

Debbie

StephF said...

Tammy,

I am so very sad for you & your family, for Justin & Tiffany. Thanks for sharing your heart. Praying for all of you...

~steph<><

Jeanette said...

Praying for your family!!! So sorry!!

Amy R. said...

I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandbaby, Tammy. He will forever be tucked in your heart, and he is just one more reason why Heaven will be so sweet.

When we lost my mother in law this year, one of the first things that came to mind is that she will finally be able to be Mammie to the babies Scott and I lost.

Thank you for sharing his little footprints... so sweet! And for someone who felt they had no words... I thought they were beautiful.